hello everyone..I know its been a very long time ..I'm not even sure if you guys still remember me
life is so good at distracting us ..and I've allowed myself to get caught up in a lot of things ..my life is one of them ...
but I'm here now ..and I hope you guys been doing well..most of you actually disappeared..or maybe its just me
its sad ..coz it feels like the community we all count on ..its just not like how it used to be ..which is really sad
alert : this is might be pretty much depressing ..just saying
yes ..and I have so much to tell ..every time i try to post something I feel like I don't have much to say
or maybe I do but its been confusing to me..the whole situation ..and to be more specific I've been going through some rough times in the past few months and I think I'm ready to tell you all about it ..no matter who's still there reading it
I'm glad at least there's someone out there
for school ..I still got one year and a half to graduate but things are going really bad for me ..I barely pass my classes which is something I'm not proud of.. I became that girl that does not give a shit about how things turn out for her ..now I'm like whatever happens its fine with me..I know its sad ..very sad
its depressing actually to find myself walking away from what I've always dreamed to achieve
and I know messing up is not an option ..not now ..I'm working on it ..actually I started this semester
I passed with good grades not only D ..it was more and I was proud that at least I'm trying not to let my emotional or social issues to get in the way
the love live ..I think we all know how hard that can get ..I'm sure u guys know about my last relationship..it worked out for 9 long months..it was great..I was happy .till something happened and my world flipped upside down ..we broke up..I got my heart broken ..I went through a very hard time even though it was not my fault ..but I couldn't help not to think it was
for some reason ..my days after that were a combination of bitterness and pain..for one simple reason ..I loved that girl really hard
and I fell like I've never been in love before ..I think that's what honesty can do to you..it hits you right in the head..then I got so mad at myself for getting attached that much....I felt like I wasn't supposed to ..to love like this...few months later I got over it ..it was harder than I thought..to go through the hope that things will get better..the pain that she is with someone else .. the memories ..songs..pictures..the missing..the worries...the tears..and how secure and safe I felt..to lose that all at once..it just feels like a whole life was there..but not anymore
I think we do get over the fact that they left..but not over how they made us feel ..every time I remember I cant help not to get emotional ..but I smile most of the time coz I don't have any regrets and if I had a chance ..I'll do it again ..the same exact way ..I wont change a thing
I've learned a lot about me as a lover ..I've learned how far I can go ..how much I'm willing to give
and I'm really proud of that person ..of me ..how mature I was during the whole thing ..I manged to crack a lone ..in private ..even when I got people around me telling me I can do better and she doesn't deserve it ..that was not the case ..the case was I gave it all..and I did not do anything harmful then it was me who got the broken heart and all the pain..that was not fair at all .. ..
and despite the fact that I was living in pain ..I wished her the best and simply left ..coz there's nothing I can do to fix it ..and that was even harder ..
I got like 200 people around me who kept saying that to me ..its not that I don't appreciate the fact that they were trying to help ..but non of them had a chance to know how was my feeling that time
I was feeling myself all over the next day..thinking " everything still hurts'' ..
in that condition last thing you wanna hear is how weak you are..and how you should handle it..get over it and just move on
maybe coz this is the hardest break up..I never been through this kind of feelings before,,never experience that..
but like they said...its life..heart breaking is just part of the deal ..
coming out experience
yep..the good news I came out to one of my best friends ,,which happen to be a family member
I was thrilled ..happy ..she took it very well ..and we even started to laugh about it ..I loved the fact that she knows it and still see me as the same person someone she will always respect..it was not planned at all
it just happened and I'm glad it did.. now at least I know how does it feel ..
it feels great ..with the right time..the right person ..it will be perfect
after my last break up .. I made a decision that says NO FOR GIRLS in the meantime
I know I'm not ready even if I liked someone..I'm just not ..I need to clean up my emotional mess first..so I enjoyed being hit on and being single again..
till that day when I found about her ..a girl in my class ..someone I did not even notice ..and when I did ..it was something I could not resist ..she kept sending me those clear signs ..she actually made an effort and found a reason to talk to me ..the looks ..the smiles ..she couldn't help not to be nervous around me ..and I loved it ..so I made my move .found a perfect time..pulled myself together and asked her for a mint..I offered her my friendship...told her how interested I think she is..and how much I'd love to know her better she was glad..she actually saw that coming..and told me she was interested too.. anyone saw that could tell there was something going on its like that weird attraction that you just cant explain..that girl is just so good at making me smile
we switched PINS to stay in touch ..and here was the surprise.. big surprise ..she never did
the girl backed off for some reason ..even though I can see how much she enjoyed talking to me but things have changed after that ..I don't know what happened ..and I cant ask her coz sounds like I made her feel uncomfortable with my manners..and that's the last thing I wanna do ..I don't know if I can call that rejection
which is OK if it was ..but the girl does not even know me !!! we spoke for a couple of times and that was it ..but I think I'm confused coz it might mean I have a very bad gaydar
it could be her friends.. it could be me ..maybe I freaked her out !! it could be anything ..I just feel like I was misled by her signs if I knew that she
will be acting like this I would not have bothered her in the first place..I would not even bother myself to act on anything !!
I don't know if I should call that my fault either !! but there's no way I would've done anything if I was not sure ..she wants it too !! but shutting me down like this was I don't know ..it just hurts..
there's a rule I like to follow '' if u were not interested just let me know now' I'm a big girl I can take it ..I don't have problem with rejection..I reject people myself but I don't mislead them then disappear like that
maybe I shouldn't have given myself the right to fall for that ..and I'm not even in love with her or obsessed..maybe I needed a hero ..maybe I wished someone will come along
and turn everything around for me..I really hoped that person would be her ,,coz I saw something in her
and I held on to that thing ..when she still doesn't know who the hell I am
no wonder its my fault
maybe the whole thing is not about love..Its obvious I can do great online I find people who happen to have crush on me online for reasons I don't even get..but I need to know how good I can do in real life ..I know I'm someone noticeable but who would have the courage to let me know !!! like my crush !!....WAIT !! why would I need someone to let me know !!
and what if that never happened !! should that tell me something..NOW I'm more open when it comes to my sexuality I moved from being afraid that someone might find out ..to the total opposite !!!
NOW I know who I am ..but I don't know if I wanna keep going
I dont know what I'm looking for exactly... I dont know if I'm looking in the right place
what kind of feelings is enough for me !!
I'm trying not to need anyone..I dont want to need anyone
that feeling of missing your other half is dangerous
so how am I supposed to feel complete then ?!
or maybe I never will !!
..
for me love is something off the table right now ..I just don't wanna go through that again
coz at this point I feel like I'm trapped ..like someone who's locked in the closet and have no idea how to get out..
still trying to move on and part of moving on is to find someone else too .. but I don't want that part
I know its complicated
all what I'm asking for is ..that I wanna be ok again
I used to be fine ..without having someone to mess with my head
I wanna find my safe spot again..
I dont wanna like someone ..or fall for someone ..anything related to feelings tend to
ruin everything ..GOD I just hate it when that happens
whoever invented twitter is genius I've been introduced to an entire community ..LGBT community
people from all over the world ..which is fantastic ..I even have secret admirers.. fans..people who actually care..people you get to socialize with every day..its a great place to make friends ..with the same interests.. I also had a lot of support during my break up from half of my followers ..they were really great ..I'm just glad I got to know them ..
Finally ..
this is all what I could come up with ..and this is most of my boring story..I'm glad i got a chance to let it off my chest ..I know it might be depressing but I wrote this post in one of my down moments...
but we need to keep trying right !
taking risk is part of the game..if you never try you will never know we shouldn't regret that
we shouldn't feel afraid ..or ashamed
I miss you people ..wherever you are wish you the best..
and remember ..no matter how bad you think its .. it could've been worse
glad to get to know more
All ATMs are down now,
I am not expecting you to become one.
But I should be able to get your attentions.
Did I?
Hey Hallu long time since we read from ya
well am not gonna say anything about whatever happened
but am gonna say
yeah way to go girl
about the grades am proud of you 2
and keep it up
about love just be who U are and all are gonna fall for ya
com on Hallu
U r irresistable for the ppl who got to know Ya so
wait.......
love
Aboora
not really ..but sure Anonymous..knock yourself out
Abooora..thanks sweetie you need to be around more often ..
we got a lot to talk about
heey!.. i dont know what i should be feeling and i kinda blame you lol. when you right about loads of things some are good while others are bad i get into a deliemma.. why did ur grades go down all of a sudden? is it because of ur love life?
i think its too soon for you to fall for anyone.. like u said.. looking but not touching wont hurt :)
wow im so happy how far u evolved in your life, yes there are some sad parts but the majority is good. ur moving on and ur coming out and getting to know ur self more and more
as you by now im emotionally dead these days. can explain it but i have to desire to fall for anyone. i feel whole,
but sontimes i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing cuz u never know when u need someone to support you emotionally u wont find them.
thats when i decided to focus on my friends and friendships.
those relationships are the best cuz its rare that u can loose those people in ur life.
anyways im glad ur bloging. im too busy these days to do that i dont know why.
Eluded Euphoria
the problem is my love life effects my Psychological situation which is totally bad ..I know..and I'm working on that side ..
" its too soon for u to fall for anyone " maybe you're right ..but we dont plan for things to happen..they just do ..for the "not allowed to touch" rule ..I'll do my best to stick to it
see !! complicated
told you :D
glad to see u :)
hey mna7y ..glad to see u man
I can get ur point for falling for anyone ..Even though u once said that ur not commitment kinda person ..but ur human ..stable love life is a great thing ..once u have it u will forget about all the unworthy people u wasted ur time with ..
friendship is great ..its a different kind of love but it wont fill the hole ..at least not for too long
glad to see u
stick around