Hallucination

Hello people ..or whoever still there ..it smells dusty in here ..but God I miss it so much 

I dont know why it feels like home to me ..this is used to be my shelter 

the only place when its totally ok to say "Guess what I'm in love with a girl " 

Here , I actually found out I was gay , it wasn't one of my greatest moments but it was an eye opening

to this kind of people ..to our kind of people .

the funny part when I go back to my previous posts I couldn't believe I wrote that or said that ..and some of the stories I couldn't believe that I shared it in the first place !!!

I think its been like 5 to 6 years since I made the blog ..and I made it so I can find out who the hell am i !! and why do I feel this why ..I was totally lost 

 then I got all the support I needed .. and of course Alex did a lot of explanation

and now ..I'm not only a different person but a lot better ..5 years ago I could've killed myself if I called myself gay ...I actually was totally ready to lock myself in my room for the rest of my life coz  I was terrified of "what of someone found out" !! but now I've no problem saying out loud if I had to 

I guess I came a long way ..very long way ..I've grown up ..I know who I am and what I want 

and it feels so damn great .. no wonder this place feels like home  ..

SO LEST SEE WHAT I GOT TO SAY :

I've always have something to say so

FIRST : Academically

Guess what ! I'm graduating this year ..its my last year in college and I'm not even excited 

I dont know maybe coz I've always thought I've a plan ..but the fact is I do but I'm not sure it will work ... so few months away and I'll be unemployed for a while ..I'm thinking maybe Master degree in Canada or US .. maybe a job for change If I got a good offer .

so technically this year I've to work my ass off to do things while I'm still in there ..and be ready for that day ..for someone like me this is really scary coz I've a whole family relies on me ..which means this year I just cant screw thing up ..so yah no pressure




Emotionally 
Remember my last crush and how we had a good start then things changed ! well after that post a lot of things changed too we went out for a while ..we did like each other a lot but then something weird happened and I just backed off ... after that I had another two exes that showed up at once
and after that I made a mistake..a huge mistake.

she begged me for another chance ... followed me around ... and did everything she possibly could to take me back .. I found myself still having feelings for her .. I said why not .. we had a great few months together .. I fell for her then I ended up getting really hurt .AGAIN.. and I'm not proud of myself

the thing is I know she is not the one for me .. but she attracts me in a way I just cant resist ..  everything she did and still doing for me makes want her in my life even more .. I fell for her really deep .. we had so many plans ..it was wonderful .. I hate myself for loving her that much .. for getting attached to her when I'm not supposed to..I hate loving her coz it makes me weak .. surrender .. I love how she makes me feel .. and I hear it all the time relationships are not supposed to be easy..it's alot of work ..a lot of patience.. everytime we get into a fight I hold on to her even more .. and I have no idea what am I even holding on to !!!

maybe it's not her .. maybe it's the idea of finding someone who's madly in love with you .. and you dont wanna lose that ..people dont fall for us every day.. maybe I'm afraid that I may never find someone who's willing to love me as much as she does ... but I'm not sure if that Love worth getting hurt for .. and I certainly dont wanna lose myself in order for me to keep someone in my life..
but to be honest .. I don't know if I can handle another hard break up .. last time I've been through that it was literally hell .. I hated my life .. myself ..my heart ..

sometimes I want to leave more than anything ..  then I stop for some reason .. maybe coz I know I'm not gonna be ok for a long time coz she is not around or with someone else which might kill me ..
I really dont know what I'm saying here I just want to save myself the heartache .. sounds like there's no good way to do that.
last time it took me 7 months  just to feel ok to simply talk to a girl ... god knows how long do I need to stand up again..!!
I've some people around saying be patient.. don't break up for anything .. while a lot of them are really saying " what the hell are you still doing with her " !! and to answer that I've no idea..

why are relationships so complicated !! when we're single we would kill to have someone by our side then when we have them it's like this bittersweet life that you dont wanna through away but it kills something in you .
I'm not asking for a lot .. I just want to love someone who's willing to be there for me..never changes..honest all the way..someone would simply listen..love..care and give unconditionally because they want to..someone to feel safe with..I'm done losing people..and go through the process of " getting over them" is that too much to ask !! 


Last thought : God I'd kill to be a player .. I'd kill to have a heart of a player .. they never get hurt.
so If you guys have someone next to you you're blessed hold on to that .. and appreciate it while you still have it.

HAPPY EID EVERYONE..