Hallucination

Hello whoever still there , this is really sad ! the fact that blogger is not what it used to be

or maybe we are not what we used to be ..

I woke up today feeling the urge to write something , to say something , I wouldn't call myself a  writer but I do write , I write my life away, it's the only way to make myself feel better since I don't really talk about it , not with people at least so I started something a year ago , "letter writing" when I write anything about my love life as  letters , it's like making voice of words and it did help but this time I stopped I haven't wrote anything in a long time , I kinda felt like whatever I'm feeling it should be there I should leave it inside as a punishment  , to give it a reason to not stop , to let it hurt every minute of every day , to remind myself of that pain every time I think about her , to remind myself what giving chances feels like ,, how being an idiot feels like , how it feels to be treated like you never existed ,, how it feels to be hurt , broken and replaced ..

honestly , I knew I'm that kind of person who takes forever to get used to something , But I never knew it would take forever for me to feel ok , to be me ,, it's crazy that till this moment I Cant stop wondering why ! why does it have to be me !! why should I pay for this mess when I haven't done anything wrong , while she gets to be happy ?! and dont get me wrong I want her to be happy but not on my expense , at least not anymore

till this moment I cant imagine myself with anyone ! even though I know she moved on already  and I'm done with love for a very long time for sure ,,

but I am so pissed at me ,, coz I gave it my all ,, and she left with my everything ,,

and obviously I've nothing left to give .. I'm not mad at her at this point

I'm mad at me .. for hanging on to someone who's already gone .. for not having the same ability to kill whatever I'm feeling and simply move on .. for not being able to pull her out of me , !! it's like she's everywhere and no matter what I do and how hard I try I can't get rid of her !! and I keep shutting everyone down coz I just can't lie to them .. what the  kind of loyalty is that !!, I can't mislead anyone , I can't try to heal on  anyone's expense it's just not fair ,, so the safest solution for me right now is keep my distance from everyone ,, for the sake of the both of us.

you know why life can be sometimes unfair .. no one knows why and  most of the time you never will

.. I kept myself busy for a while and it worked but then one picture of her made everything fall apart

i keep saying to myself that I'll be a very successful young lady one day .. she can have all the girls in the middle east and I won't have a problem with that .. I just want her out of me

I'm sick of feeling down most of the time .. sick of watching people moving on and doing things with their lives and I'm still stuck with someone who actually forgot I ever existed

I know I might sound like I'm  just babbling but weak people do that not me and I hate they way I feel  .. sounds like I'm not as strong as I thought I'm, but I know that one day 

things will turn around , they always do.