Hallucination

Hi, whoever still there , Happy new year. to me, to her and everyone who’s looking for a fresh start. Honestly; for the first time I'm actually kinda glad that there is no one is going to read this in the first place. its been a very long time since I wrote anything , anywhere .. its like I have lost my ability to express myself verbally and in every other way i used to know. Just a quick recap i have finally graduated, had a amazing graduation party. worked for a while then left the country to do my master degree in Canada after another goodbye party that my family threw for me 

And through all of that I have met amazing people and  I learned a lot from all and each one of them. and I got to meet my great GF too. it wasn't planned for but I am glad she came along, we have been together for two years and finally got the chance to stay together for few weeks and celebrated that . Finally we got to do everything that we couldn't do back home, like going on a simple date, go to the movies and watch a hilarious film, try new restaurants, go on random rainy walks, and having a very intense conversation at an ocean front, and for the first time I know how it feels to have the person you deeply love around you all day long, to have them sleeping right next you, waking up to them, and staying up late to just play a game. I know now how does it feel to be this happy, like you have got it all, and I actually do, I have it all , or at least everything that I asked for , I have a beautiful family that supports my decisions, and an amazing GF that believes in me, and a great chance that I can make something out of myself, I graduated, I left the country, I have my own place and I am my own boss,  yet I look outside my balcony everyday and i see how far I have came and I ask myself : what if i didn't make it ?! what if all of that was for nothing? what if I cant handle it   

Through it all , I had my ups and downs , and since I am a family person not having my family around effected me in a way that I’ve never imagined, it wasn't easy for me not to have my mom and my beautiful sisters with their stupid fights and excitement for the little things, their funny topics and silly pranks, my brother jokes and comments on every single thing he sees, the family talks on the dinner table and the girls gossip which my brother is a big fan of, I missed everything that I didn't think I will miss this much and for some reason It made me hate living alone

Having my own place have been always a dream, and when it came true it wasn't as magical as i thought it would be , maybe i shouldn't use the word “ magical “ in the first place. but everything is going well , Canada is a great country, very friendly people and encouraging environment life was never better, never easier, it’s just me. its like I'm physically free but deep inside, I still dont feel that way. i feel caged, attached to something i dont know what. and I dont know how to get out of it. And Between a life changing experience and feeling lonely and unqualified for some reason, i lost my closest friends, or the people i thought they were my friends, one of them sold me out for a GF and the other one just decided to move on with her life without me in it, and the list goes on . It’s hard to get your heart broken by someone you actually thought that they are always gonna be there for you, but I am not mad, this is life and this is reality, people will never be there for you forever and I have learned my lesson, I have learned that no matter how good of a person you are, caring , or supportive, people will still turn their back in you first thing when they feel like it and there is nothing you can do to predict that or even control it, even after 7 years of friendship.

Bottom line is , and after all that babbling i just needed to write again, to remind myself that I can do this, and while writing this post i actually realized that I have decided to turn into my blog because I don't trust people enough to share how i feel with them anymore, yes I do have a GF but i can't ask her to clean my emotional mess every time i feel insecure, scared or emotional

Now I know I'm in a place where i can be myself, and i should take this opportunity to be the best version of me, to follow my dreams just like i always do, to do my best to handle everything i am going through without anyone’s help, to accept the challenges, pain, longing , and deal with them one at a time, to value and appreciate what I have become and do my best to make my family proud and the people who care about me. I owe myself this much, I owe it to my father not to give up on me when things get hard, just because some people did that to me, Life is unpredictable battlefield, and we always have to fight for something, it’s how we survive, why we love, why we hope, and if we have none of that, I guess we simply will have nothing to live for