Hello world,
I have been meaning to write this post for a while now
and I know this one might actually take few days to be officially finished but you
need to start somewhere right !
So much have happened since the last time I posted my
last post, and it’s not like I have readers or anything coz I know all of this is
entirely for me. So I will start from when I thought I lost the blog, I tried
to log in after ignore it for a long time and none of my passwords worked, till
one did and I promised myself to write something before I truly lose it.
I started this
blog 7 years ago, when I realized I was gay and I have no one to share that
part of myself with, and this is another reason why I am posting again, coz I don’t
know anyone to share this with, not in the meantime at least.
So my stories, feelings, crushes, confusion and pain
everything related to that part of me was kept a secret for so long and for so
long I had no problem with that and my reason was why do I need to be out ? why
would I wanna come out to everyone or my friends ? as long as my GF and I are happy
and the family doesn’t suspect a thing we are good. Well, not anymore
Before leaving home to Canada I left a wonderful girl behind,
tried the long distance for a while since I am actually used to it and things didn’t
work out for so many reasons, met a Canadian afterwards another amazing person,
and it was great until I had to leave Canada to go to Australia, talk about a bad
luck.
The point is, after living abroad for few years I realized
I don’t wanna be in the closet anymore
Not after I saw how does it feel to be accepted and
loved and treated by open minded people. And how good it feels to walk together,
to go out together, to visit a friend on a birthday and attend as a couple instead
of arriving separately and try not to draw any attention to yourselves, to not be afraid anymore that someone is gonna find out, to go
to family holidays and feel like you are a part of it, for everyone to acknowledge
you as someone’s partner and be actually thrilled about it not just a “friend”,
to physically live together and get groceries together, for you to start thinking
about a wedding and kids
To actually feel that everything you’ve been hiding
for so long is precious and means something and it could be something, I HAVE
NEVER EVER thought about marriage as something I’d do in my lifetime coz I know
that I could never be with a guy, but the possibility of having that with a
girl that you loved ! the thought of it is just beyond anything I could’ve
imagined.
But the question is : what do you tell your family ?
how can you hide something that is way bigger than you ? you’ve hidden yourself
pretty well but you cant do it to a kid or another person, it’s not fair to
them, specially to someone that has been out for almost their entire life, why
would anyone want to be dragged back to the closet for any reason, or for
anyone ?
I don’t know if I will ever be lucky enough to be a
mother or someone’s wife, last time i saw her i got a ring from her, and my heart aches every time I look at it or think how much I’d
like that.
On the other hand, moving to Australia has been one of
the hardest things I have ever had to do, to deal with people who don’t exactly
accept you and do their best to let you know how they feel about you made it so
hard for me to adapt, not everyone is mean and ignorant but the vibes around
here are just different and sometimes suffocating, even though I live in one of
the most beautiful cities around the world I still cant get over the feeling
that I am alone, maybe coz I fell for Canada and it’s just so hard for me to
get over it, and maybe coz she’s not here, or because I don’t feel like
socializing and meeting people and actually know them. I started school one day
after I got to Australia after a long 30 hour flight, I was excited, proud and
motivated coz I am finally doing this, getting a master degree in one of the
best, well recognized universities around the world, it was the longest, hardest,
toughest run and by the end of the semester, I got my grades, my performance was
not impressive or nearly satisfactory, I failed one of my courses, a course
that I made sure I understood and barely passed the rest.
I’d be lying if I said it was a shock, but I was hoping
for the best, I spent the whole semester running around, trying to seek help,
and between a counselor who diagnosed me with anxiety
And a student advisor who failed to give me guidance I
failed. I am not trying to blame anyone coz that’s all on me, I know that, I just
don’t get it, I understood the course, I knew enough to help me pass, I even explained
it to other people, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I keep telling myself it’s not the end of the world,
and I know that but I don’t feel it, it’s not my first time failing a course
but it’s my first time to feel this stupid and incompetent, like I don’t belong
here, I think I lost my confidence in everything, my abilities, my
qualifications and my judgment, I don’t trust myself when I say I know
something coz I probably don’t. and what’s making it worse is the fact that I keep
comparing myself to the other students, who barley studied and I cant seem to understand
what happened.
One month left before school starts again and I am so
afraid to walk into the campus again, terrified actually, scared of being that
person who wouldn’t go anywhere in life or do anything coz they’re behind in
everything in every way, coz they cant compete with the real world, coz they’re
afraid to find out that they don’t belong here in the first place. I have a
family that counts on me to succeed and a girlfriend who’s waiting for me to
graduate and be with her, I live thousands miles away from where I want to be
and hate everything around me and keep quiet as I go. I think I am depressed, I
know I am, I think I am alone too, lonely, I’ve always felt this way but this
time feels unbearable, and unjustified, I don’t want to drive myself crazy, I don’t
wanna go to the dark place in my head where I give up everything and walk away,
but it hurts, no matter what I do and how much I try to distract and motivate myself
to push myself forward I feel powerless, helpless, and I am stuck in this
situation that I don’t know how to fix, it’s not about the uncompleted course, it’s
about more than that, but I don’t know what !!!
I feel broken, I feel lost, I feel like I have so much
to say but I also feel hollow, empty and numb, people tried to help me but The only
voice I hear is mine, that voice that keeps saying that I am not good enough,
and you better accept it. I lost the little bit of positivity that I used to
have, all I think of now is death, failure and betrayal, and how the world is unfair
and a shitty place !!
I try to do all the healthy things so I wont be sucked
into this, and it helps for a little bit then it simply fades away. I am mad at
myself, I admit that, I’ve always been hard on myself, but I am really mad at myself
for not being able to get my shit together this time, this is not me, this
helpless crying baby was never me, but I am helpless. At this point the only
thing I think I still have is faith, it’s the only thing that I am clinging to, I just hope it’s strong enough to save
me.
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