Hallucination

Can I just say I am so grateful to have this space, where I can just vent and let it all out without the this constant fear that follows me around.

This time of my life, this exact time of my life is just uncertain, I hate uncertainty. I am at a crossroads, after 4 years of living abroad, do I just go back to my old life ? live with the family ? work at boring job and probably do nothing interesting? or simply say no to all of that and just stay away ?

I love my family and I miss them and would love to be around them but settling back home for the rest of my life isn't what I want for myself. I have a partner that's waiting for me on the other side of the world. I have dreams and I am not done yet. After getting used to this kind of freedom i am not ready to give that up yet whether it is for social or traditional reasons, I just know that I cant bear the thought of that. As much as I miss home, I don't want to be locked up again, not in a physical sense but to some extend it surly feels that way. and that's not even my greatest fear, my greatest fear is for that door to close forever, for me to never be able to leave again due to extenuating circumstances that again haven't came to the surface yet.

I want to stay positive .. I do, I want to believe that this is not it but with everything happening around us politically and socially it makes it very hard not to be alert 24/7.

Everyone around me is excited for me and I mean i get it it's an end to a long exhausting journey but honestly I am freaked out and terrified of what's gonna come next. where am i gonna go ? where am I gonna end up? will I ever get what I worked hard to get ? will I be rewarded for always doing the right thing ?  Are we gonna be able to live together ? am I gonna see her again ? will I be able to hold on to those dreams ? or will I be forced to let go ?

 

lables: Me ..To Figure Me Out , my pain